I'm commited to working in this blog. In sharing the adventures I have as I venture into art, craft, life and healing from the deep scars of severe depression. I'm happy you're here looking and sharing in what is my small world.

Monday, June 18, 2012


I don't know if this means the end of this blog here or not, but I have split my blog universe into two. That means I'll now be blogging here: www.crunchaway.blogspot.com for my earth minded, "crunchy" explorations and here: www.fatalisticmuses.blogspot.com for my artistic endeavors.

Please check them out!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard..."

~ Cold Play "The Scientist"

So, I have failed to report on my switch to "No poo" hair care. (What an unfortunate catch phrase! Seriously people, couldn't we come up with something better?)

So, today is day...er....10. Yeah, 10. I've been washing my hair every other day with the baking soda mix (1 tbsp to 1 cup of HOT water. Making sure the soda is dissolved nicely helps me.) and this has been going okay. But I did find that my super fine, THIN hair wants to be oily still. So I changed up my vinegar rinse from apple cider vinegar to plain old white vinegar (still 1 Tbsp per cup water.) Today is only the first day I've done this, so we'll see if it works.
I will admit that I did  break down and had to use shampoo once. But it wasn't my fault, really! I had to have a sleep study done, and part of that torture is they put an oily, crisco like GOOP all over your head to stick the probes to. Then, I was stuck with the hospital provided shampoo with which to attempt to remove it. I didn't try to bring my soda in with me, so I took a deep breath and lathered up. It really did my hair NO GOOD,  as all the next day my hair was fried feeling, frizzy and crunchy. A good vinegar rinse the next day seems to have solved that though.

So far, so good! I'll keep at it, because it really DOES work to get my hair clean, I just need to find the right balance of oil control and I'm good!

I also made a move towards a natural deodorant. Yes....HOME MADE pit control. I know, I know. You're probably cringing but I'm SHOCKED how well it is working so far! I used a recipe found here at Surviving the Stores and used tea tree oil for the essential oil (about 15 drops, we only had tea tree and rosemary on hand so I opted for tea tree...). I'll admit it, I'm a sweaty betty. I tend to work up a good lathering sweat at the merest hint of external heat. Now, this is NOT an anti-perspirant, but that's a good thing. You need to sweat. But it does a REALLY good job at keeping odors at bay. Really! I even gave it the work out test and it passed with flying colors. Now, if you don't believe me, you're welcome to come sniff my pits and see for yourself. But please...give me some advanced warning first?

So, I'm going more and more "Crunchy". (another unfortunate OL moniker. Who comes up with these things?) And so far, I'm liking it pretty well! Luckily for me, baking soda comes in a huge bag at Sam's club, now that I'm using it for Laundry soap, deodorant and hair care! Next...sink scour! Toothpaste! Toilet cleaner! (Just..not combined!)

Monday, May 14, 2012

"You're trying to find a compromise between remembering and learning to forget...."

~ So it goes Chris Pureka

I hope everybody had a good mother's day? Mine was most excellent. My son made me breakfast in bed, scrambled eggs and a microwave sausage patty. And coffee, which he fixed just right (minus a few teaspoons of sugar maybe?) It was really sweet! We celebrated mothers day/my birthday on Saturday. I got a HUGE fluffy body pillow and a desktop easel, which I'd really wanted. So that was great!

Mother's day and my birthday are always strange times for me. I feel often times like I'm a less than stellar mother/daughter/sister/friend, and it's hard to "celebrate". I always do so with overcast feelings of guilt and shame for things past. I survived the day, I'm glad they're both over.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

The great hair experiment 2012

I may or may not have posted here before, but I struggle with hair loss. I don't know if it's because I'm cursed with EXTREMELY thin hair, and I insist on keeping it long and wearing it up a lot of the time, or if it's hormonal, but I lose hair at a fairly rapid rate and I can see thinning areas all over my scalp. It's thinned all over, not in any pattern like pattern baldness so I'm suspicious that it's more hormonal/thin hair and less female baldness. At least...I hope.

At any rate, I've been trying desperately to save my hair. I've used shampoos of various kinds and last year I switched COMPLETELY to SLS free shampoos that are organic or mostly. While this seems to have slowed it down, it's not completely stopped it. So now I'm taking it one step further.

My mother recommended I look into a baking soda/cider vinegar combination used by a cousin of mine who has LONG LUSTROUS hair. I checked it out and I'm willing to give it a go! I've heard about the wonders of apple cider vinegar and hair care before but I haven't ever been brave enough to try it. So today I gave it a shot.

You start with one Tbsp of baking soda in 1 cup of warm water, work this into your hair like you would shampoo then rinse lightly out with additional clean warm water.
Finish with 1 Tbsp of apple cider vinegar also in 1 cup of warm water, rinse this through and leave it in. Don't shampoo. Repeat this process every other day or so to normalize the PH balance of the scalp.

So here are my initial thoughts. My hair was greasy because yesterday I washed with organic "clarifying" shampoo. It seems that when I use clarifying, my hair is ALWAYS greasy the next day. After putting in the baking soda mix, my hair took on a slick feeling, like all the oils had been "drawn" up. It wasn't unpleasant. The cider vinegar gave it an immediate "squeak" that I rather like, but it definitely leaves the scent of vinegar lingering like a halo around me. Again, not entirely unpleasant since I'm not adverse to the smell of vinegar. I'm told it will fade. It's only been a few minutes since I did this (I had to immediately run and blog, of course!) So I'll see how it does after a bit longer.

I'll let you know how it goes! I figure it'll take at least a month to give the process justice and to see if it slows or stops the thinning. If this doesn't work, it may be seriously time to consider a wig. Red headed with flowing wild curls maybe? Like Kate Winslet a la Titanic? Oh yeah!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Cavemen and Sheep

It's always something, isn't it? Why haven't I been blogging? (AGAIN?) What is keeping me away from here? Why can't I be more consistant in my posts?

I realy don't know, and I've also decided, I'm not going to be bothered by the lapses. Lapses happen! I  blog for the fun of it, not because it's a business  for me at this point. It's just a personal, random, enjoyable journey that puts my 2 cents out on the internet. I don't want to make it more than that at this point, especially as I don't have a real "voice" right now.

So, that being say, what have I been up to?

Well, I'm still doing the primal/paleo/caveman diet thing. I'm actually enjoying it a lot! And going by my bodies response (12 lbs down) it likes it too! Some valuable tools I've found have been coconut milk and the amazing blendtec blender my grandparents sent for my mother as a post surgical gift. I've been blending up everything in sight! (Okay..not everything. Blended pork chops? Ew!) But I have been blending up carrots, apples, pears, nut butters, coconuts....all into smoothies. BIG, GIANT YUMMY smoothies! Makes a wonderful lunch. I'm trying to stick to eating around 200-300 kcal every 2-3 hours, because my body also seems to like this best, so the blender has helped a lot. I'm also in love with chia seeds. I used to love flax but chia seeds in a smoothie...wow! You don't get that "Flaxy" taste that ground flax seeds can add. (Some people probably enjoy this taste, I'm not so sure I'm one of them.) The chia seeds don't have that. The next on my list to try is hemp seeds. I have some, I just haven't gotten to them yet. Maybe today?

I've made a few pieces of art work, mostly for the "Lifebook" class I'm taking with Willowing and friends. I've been a bit slacking in art time as well though. I blame it on school. Yeah, that's it.

This weekend we went to the Sheep and Wool Festival in Maryland, held just outside of Baltimore. It's always fun, but it's gotten almost ridiculously crowded! I go for one reason and one reason alone...buying and fondling yarn from: http://creativelydyed.com/.  The stuff is AMAZING in colors and I just adore the lady who runs the shop. She was taking money at the show this weekend and it's always fun to just chat her up for a few minutes, if you can. She's SUPER BUSY with sales afterall! I adore her though, her passion and pride is infectious!

I'll post some pictures of my purchases later this week and show you what I'm making with one of the skeins!

Thanks for tolerating my absences. I'll try to be more "present".

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

"Would you make up your DAM* mind?!" or...Why I'm changing my diet. Yes, again.

I'm a morally conflicted human being. Yes...yes I am. I've expressed my moral convictions in the past through lifestyle and eating habits (The long tenure of my vegetarianism, which packed on a significant weight increase but was also in the height of my depression...)
I've been going along feeling really good on Atkins. REALLY good, if evidence of my recent facebook posts shows anything. I've been walking several times a week at the local YMCA, being the fattest woman there and still huffing it out next to the adorably skinny/perky brunnette who frequently jogs next to me...(boy, if that alone is not a reason for going to the gym....!) I've been biking. I've been gardening. I've been making art. I've been studying (I'm going back to school for my masters degree) I've been LIVING MY LIFE!

It's awesome. But it doesn't solve my moral confliction about being a wild meat eater. So I sat down and took a good hard look at my diet. On it, I feel amazing AND I've lost weight (22 pounds and counting), this is true. But there's a definate room for improvement. Atkins does a fantastic job of bringing in the protein and fat, but I just worry that in cutting out things like fruits and nuts for long term (during induction which should go on for longer than 2 weeks if, like me, you have significant amounts of weight to lose) that I'm limiting myself a good bit of healthy nutrients. SO I started doing some digging and I came up with this: http://primalblueprint.com/pages/What-We-Do.html and this: http://thepaleodiet.com/. Fad looking diets, yes. Aren't fads fun? (Thinks back fondly to the parachute pants fad....)  But anyway...look closer. They aren't really that FADish at all. They are diets based on whole foods, unprocessed CLEAN foods (remember the clean food diet? WHY didn't I pursue that further?). Foods that are known to be good for brain health and lacking in the known allergens that are suspected to aggravate autism (this is a gluten/grain and dairy FREE diet.) And the killer for me, I'm already really close to doing this on atkins. The only things I need to cut out are the foods that logic and heart tells me aren't good for me anyway, and to add in the foods logic and heart tells me I SHOULD be eating. (GOOODBYE cheese, HELLO almonds! GOODBYE splenda, HELLO stevia!) This isn't really a fad, it's a realistic look at what we really eat and WHY it affects us. Why we are suffering from previously unheard of diseases at an alarming rate. Why FOOD is MEDICINE and FUEL and not entertainment or a luxury.

I'll get off my soap box now, I promise. And I'll let you know how I'm liking my new "Caveman" lifestyle in a later post. But for now, some dry roasted almonds and a few blueberries are calling my name.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The best birthday gift I ever got

Was a huffy mountain bike. I was 10 years old and it was grass green and white and it was PERFECT. I wanted a mountain bike like nobodies business. A 16 speed or more. Something that I could FLY around in. Boy was I excited when my dad wheeled that baby in. I think I cried...okay. I know I did. I used to ride my bike up and down our little road in Kennewick, Washington, pretending it was everything from a horse to a motorcycle to a speeder like in Star Wars. We lived on a nice little road with minimal traffic so we could rule the road during our play time, my brother and the neighbor girls. I spent most of the day outside on that bike.

My bike riding stopped when we moved to Ohio from Washington state. So much changed in those years but on the top of the list was a change of weather (arrid dry desert heat to damp humid heat) and the hills. Add to that budding adolescence and being the new kid, and the bike stayed tucked away from then on out. I missed it, yes. But I was to shy to really give it attention, thus calling attention to myself. My play time was now mostly spent indoors and this is when the first roots of depression took hold in my life. REALLY took hold.

Fast forward to today. It's no secret I'm on this grand quest for self improvement. Part of that is wanting to recapture joy into my life, allowing myself the little luxuries I denied myself for so long, like the time to play with drawing, learing a new skill set. The time to rest properly. Excercise. Good clean food. Depression saps a lot of your life away. I can't stress this enough. It allows you to let the little things in your life crumble and deteriorate because you just can't muster up the will power to CARE. My teeth, for instance, I hadn't had them cleaned in well...years. The poor dental hygeinist when I finally worked up the courage to go in...I owe her some baloons or something. "Depression mouth", like "Meth Mouth" only...caused by atrophy of the soul.

So, I bought myself a bike. A "cruiser" for comfortable riding since my 5'4" frame is sporting a LOT of weight still. Slow and steady is how I intend to start this venture, enjoying the views I've previously missed and taking in the air. Being joyful and playful with my son, my sisters and myself. Being a part of life and the great world outside!

Of course this venture could end in the ER with broken bones but...whose thinking like that?