I'm commited to working in this blog. In sharing the adventures I have as I venture into art, craft, life and healing from the deep scars of severe depression. I'm happy you're here looking and sharing in what is my small world.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Sunday, December 26, 2010

“How deep is your love?”

~How deep is your love by the BeeGees

So, I trust everybody  had a good holiday season? I did! I fell head over heals in love! I mean…swooning and sighing and giddy giggling in love…..with my new Kindle! It was a gift from my ma and pa and I never knew I wanted one, until I had it in my hot little hands! Suddenly I was downloading books right and lift. FREE books at that from the Kindle Library on Amazon. (and yes…some pay books too…for good measure!) Suddenly I had 68 books loaded only my Kindle. At my finger tips. ready for me whenever I’m ready for them. Oh wow. No more lugging around a bag of books when I go to work (yes…I do that. You never know what sort of reading mood you’ll be in at lunch time!) No more book shelves crammed with books…

Wait! Whoa! Hold on there. No, I probably won’t go that far. Books are by far still my addiction. I love having them lined on my shelf, a testimony of my reading adventures and I’m loath to part with a good book I've already read. And nothing is prettier than a stack of random books on the coffee table.

But I do love this kindle. Maybe it’ll slowly change my penchant for hording reading materials? Maybe not. I’ll likely just develop a dragon horde of electronic reading materials instead…..

Saturday, December 25, 2010

“The Bells are ringing out on Christmas Day….”

~A Fairytale for New York by the Pogues

So it’s Christmas. The orgy of greed and presents is over and everybody has scattered off to play with their new various toys and to eat a modest breakfast of toast and coffee, a light repast before tonight’s feast of prime rib.

It seems lonely today, without my mom here. She went to Boise to stay with my grandfolks as my grandfather is having some trouble with his health. If I could have anything, I’d have them all here with us. It broke my heart in two when my grandparents moved away, right after my son was born 11 years ago. We’d always been close to them, but when we moved from Cincinnati up to Columbus, my grandparents decided they couldn’t move around any longer, and so they headed west to be close to my Aunt and Uncle, who have lived in Boise all of their adult lives and were there for much more stable than we were (and our family has moved…twice since.) We’ve always been a sort of migratory/nomadic tribe, following my dad around. Even as an adult I’ve moved to stay close to family and so having family so far away…hurts. There’s a lot of pain in our past and a lot of hurt….but through it we’ve become stronger and more unified, and more aware of how much we need each other. This is hard, as my girlfriend is also far away from me on this holiday….with her family in the South where she lives. Fate and circumstances has kept things distanced for so long. And family. She’s as needing of her family as I am of mine. Ah….such is life. It’s not easy, being so far apart and I ache all the time wishing for something to be different. To have all those I love close at hand.

That’s really all I want in this world.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

“You’re like a storm cloud if it had fire power….”

~Magick by Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

Yesterday I didn’t post! I was totally distracted after coming home from work by a box on my door step…..a box of Yule gifts from my girlfriend!

Well, nothing inside I was a surprise. Her gift to me had been a gift card to Amazon, but we’d spent the evening spending it together. I ordered several art books…as I said, I’m a BEGINNER and right now I’m devouring these things like nobodies business. They are delectable! Full of beautiful images that alone are fuel for my overactive imagination.

So what books did I get yesterday?

First I got Zentangle basics and Zentangle2 by Suzanne McNeil. I’ve been playing with Zentangling quite a bit. I really enjoy it! It’s art for people like me who are intimidated by drawing! The books are nice with lots of pattern ideas. Such fun!

The next book I got was “Collage Journeys” by Jane Davies. I’ve flipped through this one and it looks wonderful! Lots of ideas for layering and using found objects and texts. I’ll have to get more into it as I have a chance to read it!

“Art Journals and Creative Healing” by Sharon Soneff. I try not to live in shame that I' have “Chronic, medication resistant Depression” and possibly cyclothymic mood disorder. I’ve done talk therapy for years and been on pretty much every anti-depressant out there. My current  is Effexor….at max dose. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and working being optimistic! I also take a laundry list of supplements that my psycho-therapist and doctor agreed upon, a lot of amino acids and herbs in the attempt to keep my brain working happily. I bought this book hoping it would be helpful as well. I actually started with the art at my girlfriend’s suggestion to keep a journal and draw into it when I was feeling down. I resisted her advice until not to long ago and I have to say….so far it is addicting. A creative release of energy that spends some of the anxiety so that I can deal with the rest of it a bit easier. I haven’t read through this book yet but I flipped through it and I’m intrigued!

And lastly “Creative Illustration Workshop” by Katherine Dunn. I did get up this morning and read through some of this and I’m excited to read more! I love her work. LOVE her work. It’s the sort of work I aspire to….personal and abstract and yet universal and holistic. I can’t wait to dig in and try some of her ideas!

So..Happy Holy-days to all of you who are out there celebrating!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

“Everyone knows I’m in over my head…”

~Over my head(Cable Car) by The Fray

So it’s early on in the life of this new blog and I’m already questioning my sanity in my commitment to post to it EVERYDAY. Part of me thinks it’s a cathartic move, to purge my thoughts to an unseen audience. Part of me thinks that the other part of me has been reading to many poems and bad novels. I mean really? Who wants to read my thoughts or look at my artistic ramblings? (not that I’ve posted any yet…I’m still getting my new camera figured out…) It’s a terribly intimate and vulnerable act, isn’t it? Blogging for the world to see what is going on in your world? Even if you keep it light and fresh, you’re still putting a piece of yourself out there, opening yourself up to criticisms and comments by complete strangers. What possess us to do this?

It’s the same drive that draws writers and artists to create, to share a bit of their spark with the world. It’s very vulnerable to be an artist in any form. I wonder if accountants feel the same when they had somebody their perfectly prepared tax return? Probably, if they’ve taken any sort of pride in what they do. Work is an act of creation in and of itself, and creation is a mystery of the Divine isn’t it?

Wow, that was a lot more philosophical than I meant to be, for a Tuesday morning!

Monday, December 20, 2010

"Now these years locked in my drawer..."

~Sleep by Azure Ray

It's the end of the a long day and I'm tired. Physically and emotionally tired.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

"I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence, the silence scares me cause it screams the truth...."

~Sober by Pink

There was a small symphony in my kitchen this morning. Music to my ears in fact. Have you ever stood in a completely silent kitchen, with a silent household and listened to the sounds of your breakfast cooking? The eggs sizzling softly, the butter underneath bubbling and evaporating up into the air in gentle wafting heat. The stove hums softly and the pans have their own soft vibrations....

So why am I waxing so poetically about this? Well yesterday I hit a pitfall in my diet. We had our office Christmas party and held out magnificently, eating chicken and green beans and avoiding the gorgeous desert table. I even ate two pieces of chicken because I needed both the protien and calories and didn't touch the crab and corn chowder. So what happened to me? My will power suddenly snapped when I walked into my mom's house to a pile of fresh baked Christmas cookies. Before I could even think about what I was doing, a peanut butter cookie was in my mouth. Which is bad enough. But it was immediately followed by a coconut macaroon. Then another peanut butter cookie. Then a giant plate of spaghetti. Then a piece of fruit cake (my grandpa makes it home made every year it and is REALY good). Then, in an effort to be completely honest with myself and whomever might be reading this blog, after dinner I had three more cookies.

I came home and sobbed. I sobbed for myself and for my mother who is also doing this diet and had not only baked but ate cookies all day long in her own moment of weakness. I went to bed feeling ashamed of myself and guilty.

I woke up feeling a new sort of passion to start over again and keep at it. So I fell off the horse. Great. Now I know how badly it hurts to fall. So I can get back on and try again right? I HAVE to. As I mentioned in another post, I have aproximately 150 pounds total to lose. I don't know when it happened, that I became "Morbidly obese" but it happened and now I have to do whatever I can to fix it. I do not want to be the woman who they have to take a wall out to get her out of the house. I do not want to have to succumb to bariatric surgery. I do not want to lose a limb to diabetes (which is rampant on both sides of my family tree). I do not want to be wedged into the airline seat, trying as hard as I can to fold myself into something smaller so the person next to me will quit rolling his eyes and mumbling under his breath about his luck in passenger/seat assignment. I want to be able to ride the rides with my son at Disney World without fear of the safety bars not closing over me.

So here we go again. My breakfast, eggs and sausage. Tea with splenda. 2.9 carbs total. Here we go again indeed.

Friday, December 17, 2010

"What more can I do? Baby all I want for Christmas is you..."

Today was our annual holiday christmas party. This is the third part I've been to with my company and it's the exact same party over and over and over. The food was moderately decent, the company was my co-workers, whom I see on a daily basis and the entertainment was....boring. The good news is, I don't have to attend it again for another 365 days!

After the party I came home and went to walmart to IMMEDIATELY spend my Christmas "bonus" of a whopping $50 gift card. I bought myself a small digital camera for use on this blog. So, tomorrow I'll start playing with it and get some pictures uploaded! This I'm excited about....afterall what is an art blog without some pictures of art? Just mindless whiny rambling, of course! And we all know that I don't to be a mindless whiny rambler!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

" In the real-time world no one sees her at all..."

~Maniac by Michael Sembello

I am terribly self conscience about some things. One of them is people commenting or criticizing what I'm eating. Recently, I started on the Atkin's Diet in an effort to help my mother lose weight. Her doctor reccomended it, telling her that if she didn't loose weight she'd be dead in ten years (She has horrible asthma and scoliosis). So we started the diet together a month ago. Well, if you've ever looked at the REAL atkins diet, it involves a decent amount of fat. I've been doing it religiously.

And that's all well and good!

Until the comments started up at work.

"Wow, I wish *I* could eat like that!"
" Golly, Jen....cream? Really?"

Now, what I want to say is "Look turkey, just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm stupid. I'm following this diet AS IT'S WRITTEN." But I don't say anything. Just nod and hurry up to shove my cream container back in the fridge, rushing off with my coffee in shame. Why is it anybody's business what I put into my body, healthy or unhealthy? I am making some hard core sacrifices to stick to this diet and I have some HARD CORE weight to lose. But that's my concern. Not theirs.

Okay, rant over. For anybody interested in know...I've lost 25 pounds so far this month. If you're REALLY interested....I have 125 more to lose. I wasn't kidding when I said 'hard core'. Wanna be my cheerleader?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

"And my dreams it's never quiet as it seems never quiet as it seems..."

~Dreams by The Cranberries

So today I begin a new endeavor, a new blog and a new start. My reasons for starting yet another new blog has everything to do with needing the cathartic effect of posting my struggles online for a bunch of strangers to read over. I need to get it out there, to purge my triumphs and failures as I begin again with trying to make my life what I want it to be.

So what is it I want it to be? Well, I mostly live a simple life. I'm up in the wee hours of the morning everyday where I indulge in a hot bath and a book before getting ready for work. My commute is one hour each way so I spend a lot of the drive time dreaming up ideas, bits and pieces for stories, recipes I'd like to try, little bits of poetry that flit around my brain. At work I'm a "pediatric nurse case manager" for a small medicaide managed care organization. This means I spend 8 hours a day on the phone, trying to walk my members (or rather, their parents) through the pitfalls and hazards of the insurance process. Or to put it a different way, I spent 8 hours a day listening to people complain about their insurance company, whom I represent. I do love my job.I do it for the children, trying to make sure they get everything they need covered and taken care of. But it wears me out. I come each night, around 6:30 and usually fall onto the couch to spend the next several hours watching TV and chatting online with my longtime/long distance girlfriend. It's off to bed early and then up again the next day.

This is what I'd like to "adjust". There's no feasible way for me to be able to stop working. But I'd like to spend my free time in greater pursuits. I've recently started several art journals and I've been known to knit from time to time in the past. I'd like to expand upon that and pursue my artistics endeavors to higher ground. I've purchased the book "The Artists Way" by Julia Cameron recently and I want to start working through it more diligently and to blog about it, here. It's not the only art book I'm following but I'm hoping it will help me expand my spiritual art journey. I'll say it right now, before you all start laughing at the art that I post here: I AM A BEGINNER! I never had the pleasure of taking any art classes in school. I was a band nerd to the core! And while I still love music I find myself now wishing there had been room for fine arts in my education as well. But that is neither here nor there. No time to learn like the present, right? Everything I do is wildly experimental and purely for my own pursuit. It's art for the sake of "art". Be it writing, painting, *gulp* drawin, knitting or cooking (Yes cooking...I'm also dieting so cooking will definately be more creative) I intend to explore it, ponder it and savor every moment of it. I hope to share that journey with DAILY posts (Yes...daily) here for the amusement of anybody who cares to read and comment.

So..here goes nothing!