I'm commited to working in this blog. In sharing the adventures I have as I venture into art, craft, life and healing from the deep scars of severe depression. I'm happy you're here looking and sharing in what is my small world.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

"I don't want to be the girl who has to fill the silence, the silence scares me cause it screams the truth...."

~Sober by Pink

There was a small symphony in my kitchen this morning. Music to my ears in fact. Have you ever stood in a completely silent kitchen, with a silent household and listened to the sounds of your breakfast cooking? The eggs sizzling softly, the butter underneath bubbling and evaporating up into the air in gentle wafting heat. The stove hums softly and the pans have their own soft vibrations....

So why am I waxing so poetically about this? Well yesterday I hit a pitfall in my diet. We had our office Christmas party and held out magnificently, eating chicken and green beans and avoiding the gorgeous desert table. I even ate two pieces of chicken because I needed both the protien and calories and didn't touch the crab and corn chowder. So what happened to me? My will power suddenly snapped when I walked into my mom's house to a pile of fresh baked Christmas cookies. Before I could even think about what I was doing, a peanut butter cookie was in my mouth. Which is bad enough. But it was immediately followed by a coconut macaroon. Then another peanut butter cookie. Then a giant plate of spaghetti. Then a piece of fruit cake (my grandpa makes it home made every year it and is REALY good). Then, in an effort to be completely honest with myself and whomever might be reading this blog, after dinner I had three more cookies.

I came home and sobbed. I sobbed for myself and for my mother who is also doing this diet and had not only baked but ate cookies all day long in her own moment of weakness. I went to bed feeling ashamed of myself and guilty.

I woke up feeling a new sort of passion to start over again and keep at it. So I fell off the horse. Great. Now I know how badly it hurts to fall. So I can get back on and try again right? I HAVE to. As I mentioned in another post, I have aproximately 150 pounds total to lose. I don't know when it happened, that I became "Morbidly obese" but it happened and now I have to do whatever I can to fix it. I do not want to be the woman who they have to take a wall out to get her out of the house. I do not want to have to succumb to bariatric surgery. I do not want to lose a limb to diabetes (which is rampant on both sides of my family tree). I do not want to be wedged into the airline seat, trying as hard as I can to fold myself into something smaller so the person next to me will quit rolling his eyes and mumbling under his breath about his luck in passenger/seat assignment. I want to be able to ride the rides with my son at Disney World without fear of the safety bars not closing over me.

So here we go again. My breakfast, eggs and sausage. Tea with splenda. 2.9 carbs total. Here we go again indeed.

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