I'm commited to working in this blog. In sharing the adventures I have as I venture into art, craft, life and healing from the deep scars of severe depression. I'm happy you're here looking and sharing in what is my small world.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011

From the profane to the mundane

I figured out what was wrong with me. Don’t laugh, blog readers….I had a bad case of PMS. Of course, how would I know that’s the case? I lack a uterus and I was NEVER ever regular. But I think now, that’s what it was. Wild mood swings and all. Wowee, I guess maybe I need to get back on the cohosh?

Well, here is some PMS inspired artwork:


Clearly…I was entitled to a few days of “FTW” ranting and raving!

And here’s something I made last night, with a bit of a clearer head:


I experimented with some wild colors on her face to see if I could make myself like it. I do! I really like how it came out, split right down the middle. I’m considering “Splitting headache” for the title, but I couldn’t bring myself to add any words or stamps to her. I like the purity of the background I think…contrasted with the white circles. I think I’ll leave her just as she is…..a bit of a clean thought after this weeks wild and overly emotional ride.

No, the ride’s not over. I’m a hormonal being still. I’m a woman. I have feelings. I have crap happening in my world. I still think I’m going to let it all hang out there, for the sake of healing and moving forward…..or at least…some of it.

Thanks for bearing with me!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

No swearing today

Yesterday I was having a wild bout of panic/anxiety/depression. Nothing, no reason, and it seeped over into my blogging with an unhappy, unhealthy rant. It’s out there and I stand by it, what I said and the self critical emotions in it, but time to move on.

Today, I overslept. First time in a LONG time I seriously breached my sleep times! I woke up at a groggy 9am. I was supposed to be onto work at 8:30. I’ll make up the time by working through lunch today.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Life is not a pretty as it is in blogs

Maybe this is a phenomenon unique to the craft/cooking/art and fiber arts blogs that I like to follow, but they are filled with joyful statements of how beautiful life is. Pictures of flowers, beautiful bowls of ripe cherries, kids dancing around in tutus eating giant home made cookies frosted and decorated with home made families. Everybody's husband or “DH” is a saint. Every child is precocious, precious and a genius. Nobody drinks, smokes or swears. Okay…they do swear. Because swearing is cool, damn it!

What is real? What dirty laundry are they cropping out of the photos? Why not blog about how DH gambles away the family money or is a work-a-holic? Why not write about how DS (darling son’s) teacher sent him home with a note about how he bullied a kid in school, demanding he be seen by a psychiatrist? Why not blog about how your 11 year old child can’t read. Mine can’t. I’ll admit it, but more about that later.

My life is not beautiful. My life is hard. My life is filled with lots of pot holes, pockmarks, boils and blisters. We hide behind masks. Masks of pretty big headed girls in our art journals, close up shots of our intricate cabling in knitting, detailed descriptions of the curry in our rice….maybe we all need the escapism of thinking that somebody else’s world is perfect, so why can’t ours be? Maybe their world really is picture perfect and mine is the only one that’s fucked up…..doubtful though.

Okay. Maybe fucked up is to strong a way to put it. I make no bones about fighting with depression. I make no issue of stating that I’m a struggling hoarder. But I haven’t fully disclosed that here, have I? I haven’t put pictures up because maybe I want my mask too. Maybe I want you to believe that I live a fairytale life where I’m  not a (mostly) gay woman who lives alone with her two cats. That my son doesn’t live with my parents (about 7 minutes away) because the environment there is better for him. That he’s not autistic and struggling to learn to read in the 6th grade. He’s smart. Brilliant even, but he’s also so terrifyingly a perfectionist that it stalls him. So why tell you all this? Well, why put myself out there if I’m only going to do it part way?  Maybe reality isn’t what we’re looking for when we are browsing blogs? Reality is to real.

My life is messy. My life sucks more days than not. There are blessings there, a family who is helping me with my struggles and pushing me towards becoming better. A partner who while not “present” and physically in my world, is supportive. My son. His giant smile and endless energy, even when that energy is thrown to anxiety and fear. I wish I could give him a perfect world. But it doesn’t exist. I love hiim endlessly but I can’t give him the world he deserves. Only in the fantasy blogland we create…

I don’t think I have many readers of my little blog, but if you are out there reading, I challenge you to pull the mask aside, if only a tiny bit. What is hiding behind the crafts and creations? What really motivates your art and passion? Who are you really? Just a peak..then let’s all get back to our beautiful fantasy worlds.

Who is Mr. Brainwash?


Yesterday I was browsing netflix for something to watch when my afternoon of work slowed. (Ahhh…the joys of working at home…ahem). I have a thing for documentaries. I love the avant garde film making style employed in a lot of them, the risky interviews and the need to exploit a controversy that fuels the film makers inspiration….it’s perverse and I love it.

So yesterday I happened upon a film called “Exit through the Gift Shop”. The netflix description read :

“Amateur filmmaker Thierry Guetta's project to chronicle the underground world of street art takes a fascinating twist when he meets Banksy, an elusive British stencil artist, in this Independent Spirit Award winner for Best Documentary. Unimpressed with Guetta's footage, Banksy takes over filmmaking duties while Guetta reinvents himself as a street artist and -- much to Banksy's surprise -- instantly becomes a darling of the Los Angeles art scene.”

Wow. What a fascinating into several subjects. The first is Guetta’s filming of the underground ‘street art’ movement. He was fascinated with it and just shot thousands of hours of footage with no real idea of how to make them into a film. One of the artists he followed, Banksy, took a look at his footage and his attempt to put it together into a film and encouraged Guetta to get on the other side of the camera and try some art for himself.

The results were shocking. Guetta took Banksy VERY literally and started producing art pieces on a massive scale, employing carpenters and computer graphic artisans in order to put out a gallery showing of epic proportions. What shocked me about the film is that while Guetta had a “voice” his voice was overlapped with so many artists he’s been inspired by. He simply did not let the fact that he wasn’t “an artist” concern him, and started cranking out art. Art people flocked to. Art inspired by Andy Warhol, Banksy and other street artists, pop culture, celebrity and the media.

I think the beauty of this film was the lack of Guetta’s inhibitions. Somebody said “go be an artist” and he did. He was fascinated with the world and so he filmed it exhaustively. He was unafraid, unapologetic and unrelenting when it came to profiting from his creations. No holds barred. Knock out drag out art. Art whose voice is muddled by the world around us. Art that sells. Art that speaks. Art that simply IS.

Who is Mr. Brainwash? Perhaps he’s a truly prolific genius poking fun back at all of us who think we’re not artists ourselves, just because our own voices and perspectives aren’t to our liking. Perhaps he’s just a guy who figured out the formula and capitalized on it? Perhaps he’s all of us?

Watch the film and decide for yourself who he is. It was fascinating to say the least!Check out his website here: Mr. Brainwash.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Attack of the BHG (big headed girls)


I’m enamoured with the folk art Big Headed Girls (BHG) that I see everywhere. I’m obviously not the only one because everybody seems to be making them! I paid for a class by Suzi Blu, portraits and petite dolls…while I enjoyed the class and the styling I wanted to keep trying new things. Well last week my dear Girlfriend showed me a little series of youtube videos for making BHGs..Painting a mixed media portrait by Rach0113. I decided to give her technique a try! I ADORE my watercolor crayons in other uses (backgrounds mostly) so..why not?

Here was my first attempt:


Tipped head, kinda dreamy maybe. Puffy lips, purple eyes…(I can’t get away from strangely colored hair…I’m going with it until the urge passes). Not great. Not terrible either though considering. Her face shape is kinda weird but….she puts me in mind of Kelly Rae Roberts. The words, for an FYI, are the lyrics to an Indigo Girls song…they just kept hammering at me to put them in there. I know it’s probably not kosher to put song lyrics onto your art but…I’m largely unconcerned since I don’t intend to ever sell.


I rimmed her eyes with a metallic marker. I kinda like the results. I think her lips are my favorite feature since I’ve had a hard time with shading lips…(remember, I’m a BEGINNER to all art!)

Here is girl number 2:


Now, in making her, I learned a valuable lesson….watercolor paper has a “Right” side and a “wrong” side! She didn’t come out horribly, but the crayons didn’t blend in quite the same way on this, the “wrong” side of the paper. I had to go over her face with some acrylic paint then try blending again…not great results but again…not to terrible? One of her arms is way wonky but she’s not done. I think I’ll glue something over those arms….I do love how her eyes came out. Hair still baffles me but that’s okay, I have the straight and wild look down. I’ll try experimenting with other styles… I’m not at all thrilled with her big weird nose but…noses are hard! Her lips…this time I played with some markers because the watercolor just would not behave. I don’t know….to dark maybe? Way to pink?

Here she is, ready for a “Lay out”:


It’s all about experimentation and finding my own style/voice I guess. It’s there somewhere, definitely in the wildly colored green/blue/pink hair. Maybe one day I’ll get over my BHG obsession and move onto something else, but for now I’m embracing it. Why not? It’s all for me right?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Where I’m at…a catch up post!

On the reading challenge, here is where I stand:


  1. What the Night Knows by Dean Koontz (finished 1/2/11)
  2. Dead in Dallas by Charlaine Harris (finished 1/5/11)
  3. The Book Thief (Finished 1/6/11)
  4. Collage Journey (Finished 1/9/11)
  5. Skin Trade by Laurell K. Hamilton (Finished 1/14/11)
  6. Flirt by Laurell K. Hamilton (Finished 1/15/11)
  7. Roma by Steven Saylor (audiobook finished 1/15/11)
  8. Bullet by Laurell K. Hamilton (Wow..I’m on a roll! Go me! Finished 1/19/11)
  9. Mercy by Annabelle Josef (Finished 1/23/11)

10) A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin (OMG…I’m SOO excited for the HBO series!)


  1. Living Magical Arts by R.J. Stewart
  2. The White Queen By Phillipa Gregory
  3. Collage Unleashed By Traci Bautista
  4. Making handmade Books By Alisa Golden


  1. A Clash of Kings George R.R. Martin
  2. Advanced Magical Arts by R.J. Stewart


  1. A Song of Swords George R.R. Martin
  2. True Vision by L.K. Ludwig
  3. Life’s Companion by Christina Baldwin
  4. Taking Flight by Kelly Rae Roberts
  5. Art at the Speed of Life by Pam Carriker
  6. Singing the Soul Back Home by Caitlin Matthews


  1. A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin
  2. Celtic Religion in Pre-Christian Histoy Edward Anwyl
  3. Maggie’s Mates by Bronwyn Green
  4. Club Dead by Charlaine Harris
  5. Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris


  1. Dead as a Doornail By Charlaine Harris
  2. Definately Dead by Charlaine Harris (I also caught up completely with the series on TV, thanks to HBOgo!)
  3. Altogether Dead by Charlaine Harris
  4. Spirit in the Wires By Charles De Lint

Total read so far for 2011: 31 books.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Wants and Needs

This was an art journal prompt from the Journal Fodder Junkies Blog. I thought maybe I’d address it in writing. Wants and needs. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate the difference, isn’t it. For instance, I want some golden fluid paints. I don’t NEED them really, I have a nice stash of craft paints I can make work for my current amusements. I want some sock yarn, I don’t NEED it, as I have plenty of DK weight yarn on hand I should use instead. I want….I want to accomplish something that I struggle for, order in my home. I need it? I’m living currently without it but it haunts me. I need a new fridge. That’s pretty basic for needs, right? Cold food? I want a new TV. The one I have is getting old but it works…not a need at all. I want a TV in my room, again…not a need.

I think I get carried away between the two, not truly following what my real needs are and overdoing my wants. I need to scale back and take a simpler approach but it’s HARD. I have tendencies to…hoard. The more I try to correct it, the harder it becomes. Maybe one of my needs is…more therapy for that. I’m functioning but not at maximum capacity right now. Maybe I NEED to do that…

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Back in the saddle again

Oh wow has it been a nightmare here! I just got over being knocked for a loop with a kidney stone the size of a peppercorn. TINY but…boy did it cause a LOT of pain, fear and suffering! I’m still a bit traumatized by it…fear of them coming back. I’m taking to drinking a ton, even if it affects my sleep with needing to pee every few hours. Oh well, I don’t want to face that pain again!

That aside, it’s back in the saddle! I’m moving my art supplies slowly but surely out into the living area. My house is still sooo cluttered. Terribly so really, but now that I’m feeling better, I’m ready to start attacking it again a bit at a time! My goal for the week is to get my clothing organized into something less chaotic. At least I can say honestly that ALL my laundry is in control, I just can’t seem to get it organized and put away! I lack dressers which really isn’t an issue. I never much liked dressers anyway. I bought some laundry baskets to sort things into, I just need to do it! I think starting there will work better than starting in the kitchen, which always seems to depress me.